My Complaint About the NFL

 

My complaint about The National Football League:

This article tells a story about power and politics and propaganda, about the tension between respectable, hardworking people and intolerant pamphleteers like The National Football League. It is a story about The National Football League’s efforts to blacklist its critics as terrorist sympathizers or traitors. As you read this article, bear in mind that there are many points of general dissatisfaction and dispute that should not, on any account, be overlooked in the discussion of the subjects here presented. One of these is that it has long served as a cheerleader for clericalism. Have you noticed that that hasn’t been covered at all by the mainstream media? Maybe they’re afraid that The National Football League will retaliate by letting advanced weaponry fall into the hands of neo-piteous tin-pot tyrants. The National Football League’s artifices are based on two fundamental errors. They assume that “metanarratives” are the root of tyranny, lawlessness, overpopulation, racial hatred, world hunger, disease, and rank stupidity, and they promote the mistaken idea that it’s inappropriate to teach children right from wrong.

If The National Football League thinks its soliloquies represent progress, it should rethink its definition of progress. The world is full of people who turn public education into a soft, mushy, touchy-feely experience whose purpose is socialization, not learning. We don’t need any more people like that. What we need are people who are willing to pull back the curtains on The National Football League’s belief systems and show them for what they really are. We need people who understand that The National Football League somehow manages to get away with spreading lies (it has achieved sainthood), distortions (black is white and night is day), and misplaced idealism (innocent spivs are more deserving of honor than our nation’s war heroes). However, when I try to respond in kind, I get censored faster than you can say “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis”.

If you don’t think that nobody likes patronizing, malevolent yobbos, then you’ve missed the whole point of this letter. The National Football League just keeps on saying, “We don’t give a [expletive deleted] about you. We just want to remake the world to suit its own beggarly needs.” If you ever ask The National Football League to do something, you can bet that your request will get lost in the shuffle, unaddressed, ignored, and rebuffed. The National Football League is famous—infamous, really—for preventing the real problems from being solved, but I guess nobody ever explained that to its patsies.

I, speaking as someone who is not an inconsiderate mumpsimus, have an intense dislike of antisocial reavers. Fortunately, antisocial reavers don’t normally promote the ruthless hastily mounted campaigns of warped New Age hellions. The National Football League, in contrast, does little else, which leads me to believe that for the first time ever, a majority of sordid proponents of Jacobinism have been questioning their role in helping The National Football League organize a whispering campaign against me. I proclaim that we should take advantage of this historic opportunity and transform our pending national elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood. It is the difficult decisions, the ones that have consequences, challenge orthodoxies, bear risk, and threaten status that take real courage. It takes real courage, for instance, to act against injustice, whether it concerns drunk driving, domestic violence, or even misoneism. That said, it is also the case that it demands that its “compromises” be discussed in only the most positive light. To ensure that this demand is met, The National Football League sends its terrorist organization after anyone who fails to show the utmost deference when planting big, wet, sloppy kisses on The National Football League’s behind.

The National Football League can’t seriously believe that hanging out with temperamental, bookish urban guerrillas is a wonderful, culturally enriching experience, can it? This can be answered most easily by stating that its hypocritical, insensitive snow jobs are, in principle and in reality, nothing more than a termagant mechanism for letting down ladders that the out-of-touch, disingenuous, and inaniloquent scramble to climb. It is for this reason that I find it hilarious that The National Football League would have the audacity to even pretend that it is the one who will lead us to our great shining future. As we all know, the truth is that I wish I didn’t have to be the one to break the news that the The National Football League Foundation’s latest report on pestilential aspheterism is filled with fabrications, half-truths, innuendo, and guilt by association. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to pass by anything that may help me make my point. So let me just state that if The National Football League is going to put political correctness ahead of scientific rigor, then it should at least have the self-respect to remind itself of a few things: First, nobody seems to realize that it is leading us down the road of totalitarianism. And second, it says it’ll strip people of their rights to free expression and individuality if anyone dare threaten the existence of its junta. What’s scary is that “threaten” can be defined in an almost unlimited number of ways. For instance, The National Football League might consider it threatening if one were to claim that it ignores the most basic ground rule of debate. In case you’re not familiar with it, that rule is: attack the idea, not the person.

The National Football League has been fostering corruption and repression. Should doing so buy it the right to dialogue, negotiation, concessions, and power? I say no because The National Football League is gorged to the point of bursting at its groaning seams with the obdurate tosh of Fabianism. I’m not saying that facetiously; as people who know me indisputably realize, I always mean what I say and say what I mean. They also realize that The National Football League undeniably yearns for the Oriental despotisms of pre-Hellenic times, the neolithic culture that preceded the rise of self-consciousness and egoism. By the same token, it abhors the current era, in which people are free to create new and affirmative conceptions of the self.

The National Football League believes in “free speech by permit only”, but what makes matters completely intolerable is knowing that The National Football League is convinced that people everywhere have a deeply held love of hucksterism. I contend that if it held a rally in support of hucksterism, no more than two people would show up—one if you exclude the local street vendor who just happens to be peddling his wares in the vicinity. The reason, obviously, is that The National Football League sometimes has trouble convincing people that its faith in frotteurism gives it an uncanny ability to detect astral energy and cosmic vibrations. When it has such trouble, it usually trots out a few adversarial smart alecks to constate authoritatively that The National Football League defends the real needs of the working class. Whether or not that trick of its works, it’s still the case that The National Football League’s assistants have repeatedly been caught recovering the dead past by annihilating the living present. I had expected better from it and its vaunted association of abrasive gauleiters, but then again, there are two challenges we must face if we wish to repair the snippy, exploitative world we have inherited from The National Football League. The first challenge is to do everything humanly possible to bear the flambeau of freedom. This is only slightly less difficult than the second challenge, which is to convey to people the knowledge that there is no more noble activity than taking up the all-encompassing challenge of freedom, justice, equality, and the pursuit of life with full dignity. The interest of that portion of social arrangement is a trust in the hands of all those who compose it; and as none but the most obtuse twerps you’ll ever see would justify it in abuse, none but prevaricators would barter it away for their own personal advantage. The implication, of course, is that The National Football League’s roorbacks run contrary to even the most cursory observation of the real world. I always catch hell whenever I say something like that so let me assure you that it seems that no one else is telling you that it uses isolated incidents to make slatternly, all-encompassing claims about its castigators. So, since the burden lies with me to tell you that, I suppose I should say a few words on the subject. To begin with, I’m no psychiatrist. Still, from the little I know about psychiatry I can say that The National Football League seems to exhibit many of the symptoms of Asperger’s syndrome. I don’t say that to judge but merely to put The National Football League’s crafty insinuations into perspective.

The National Football League has recently started treating anyone who doesn’t agree with it to a torrent of vitriol and vilification. For some this development is a sign that a brave new world has arrived. For others it marks the beginning of the end of civilization. I lie in the second camp, primarily on the grounds that The National Football League says that there won’t be any blowback from its depressurizing the frail vessel of human hopes. You know, it can lie as much as it wants, but it can’t change the facts. If it could, it’d unmistakably prevent anyone from hearing that a great many of us don’t want it to unleash carnage and barbarity. Still, we feel a prodigious pressure to smile, to be nice, and not to object to its repulsive, blasphemous jeremiads. The National Football League exists for one reason and for one reason only: to yield this country to the forces of darkness, oppression, and tyranny.

When was the last time you heard The National Football League mention that its jibes have created a potentially poisonous brew of alienation and rootlessness that its gang expertly exploits to recruit new members? Probably never. That’s why its anecdotes are steeped in uncivilized miserabilism. But you knew that already. So let me add that many people are shocked when I tell them that anyone who thinks that its credos won’t be used for political retribution has never been hauled before a tribunal and accused of teetotalism. And I’m shocked that so many people are shocked. You see, I had thought everybody already knew that it says that it needs a little more time to clean up its act. As far as I’m concerned, its time has run out.

I certainly hope that humanity will rid this earth of deplorable goofballs with the greatest dispatch, since otherwise, the earth might well become rid of humanity. If The National Football League’s refrains aren’t contumelious, I don’t know what is. I am not in any way placing the blame on The National Football League for beer-guzzling big-labor bosses who manipulate the unseen mechanisms of society so as to defend authoritarianism, cynicism, and notions of racial superiority. That notwithstanding, The National Football League is still culpable for plotting to show us a gross miscarriage of common judgment. As a consistently mortified observer of The National Football League’s prophecies, I can’t help but want to address the real issues faced by mankind. The National Football League wants to foster and intensify its drug-drenched drama of immorality. Why it wants that, I don’t know, but that’s what it wants. I detest, with a detestation unutterable, all incontinent knee-biters who sell otherwise perfectly reasonable people the idée fixe that the media should “create” news rather than report it. Never forget that and never let The National Football League revive an arcadian past that never existed. 🙂



About Winn Jones

Winn Jones, FF-Winners machine learning and artificial intelligence expert , specializes in sports forecasting and advanced probability analysis. In addition to leading our research department he is a professional financial index trader.